natashacakes (natashacakes) wrote in lovealways_ana,
natashacakes
natashacakes
lovealways_ana

pain.

I hate myself. i absolutely hate myself for ruining my summer. MY summer. my suppost-to-be PERFECT summer. I ruined it. I ruined it with something called my worst enemy. Food. I hate it more then anything.. okay maybe not the food.. I just hate my no control over it.

have you ever read my journal? do you remember how long ago i started? im scared to look back and read when i started... 1 year? 2 years? what have i done..? what have i accomplished in my life? what? WHAT NATASHA WHAT?

nothing.

i.....i honestly have no words to describe anything anymore. its too much... i just cant put it into words.. i don't know where to start. im so broken. i feel so discusting.

i know i cannot fully describe anything to you but i will try to explain not even the 10th of the pain in me.

Im a fat ass. i have been for the longest time... Its allready almost the end of summer. the end. thats it. no more fun.. no more bikinis no more life. I pushed away SO many things this summer just because i am fat. I thought i was going to do this... but i didnt.

I know i can and i know i will, but as if right now i feel like such a failure. all of my close friends who i love and havent seen in a while went to camp without me and sixflags and these other places without me because i lied and told them an excuse every single time... im so depressed. I havent done much this summer.. the only thing i am happy about is when my bestg friend DID tell me i looked beautiful and she got me to go out to clubs with her and meet amazing guys..

but guess what? later that day or week theyd call and id ignore theyre calls because i did not want them to see me again.. be repulsed by me. my best friend Stephanie always tells me "why would they call or text if theyd think your not beautiful?"

i dont know.

maybe they were drunk?

I want to feel PERFECT. i want to be PERFECT. if getting an eating disorder is going to make that happen i am willing to get it. Im already f*cked up. I dont care. i want to be beautiful more then anything.

I know i didnt explain a thing. its just so hard writing it down.... i know some of you girls have the same problems and i respect you. i know we can do this together.

Tomorrow i get my braces off :D i amj starting a new life. I plan to fast for 4 days. and then friday have 1 meal and thats before i go out and party. i hope this all works out. my battery on the scale died. GREAT. i might go buy one today.

im sorry for being gone for so long... i trully missed you.
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